I don’t think I’ve been this angry in a long time.

And it’s stupid. But I’m still furious. It’s all because I ordered something online and the delivery company is being an idiot. OK – here’s the premise.

My wife and I have been looking for a new coffee table for our living room for 10 years. We can never find anything we both like. So we’ve been living with this ugly coffee table I got second-hand when I was living in my NYC apartment in 1988. I’ve always hated this coffee table. I’ve put it outside for the trash men at least 4 times. And every time, my wife pulls it back in.

Recently we actually found two coffee tables we liked from the same online site. We bought them. And then the delivery stupidity began.

Unless you buy the ‘premium’ delivery package for an extra $400, the delivery company won’t take the coffee table off the truck when they come to deliver. That’s right, they will pull up to the street, knock on the door, and YOU have to go inside the truck and carry it off.

But wait there’s more — they can’t leave until I sign the delivery sales receipt AFTER I inspect the item inside my house. Really. So they’re going to sit in the truck and wait for me and my wife to carry the table into our house, unpack the box, inspect the item, and then come outside and sign a piece of paper. Interesting.

Oh, and they only deliver on weekdays. And won’t give you a range of times when they’re going to show up. So my wife and I BOTH have to take the day off, since I probably won’t be able to carry the table into my house by myself.

I know, you’re thinking ‘and you didn’t cancel the order and tell them to #$@$# off?’

After 10 years of searching – I really want the table. So I have a plan.

I’m going to bribe the drivers. Yes, I’m going to see if they have a price. $50? $100? What will it take to have them carry the table into my house.

Another alternative is to ask for their company information before I get on the truck. “You know, I’d like to know who I’m going to have my lawyer call in case I hurt myself while inside your truck.”

My last thought was to have my wife and son go outside to carry the table inside. Surely the drivers won’t allow a woman and 9-year-old to carry the table.

And I know the final outcome — I’m going to take delivery, carry the table inside the house, unpack it, inspect it — and something’s going to be wrong. I’m going to have to have them take it back. And start the stupidity all over again.

I think I’m always going to hate this table as much as the current coffee table. Maybe I should just cancel the order now.

2.18.12