My son is 9 years old. Yet at times, I can’t believe the things that come out of his mouth and the conversations we’re having. There are times when I have to use all of my will power not to laugh, all of my creativity to come up with an answer, and all of my common sense as a parent not to ‘really’ answer his questions.

Here are snippets of recent conversations:

ADVERTISING:
Son: Dad, what’s erectile dysfunction?
Me: (Without a moment of hesitation) It’s when you can’t stand up straight. You know how people say to stand erect – we’ll people with erectile dysfunction can’t stand up straight.
Son: Oh, I think Grammy has that.

KISSING:
Son: (Directed to me & my wife) So, I have a question for you, after I go to bed, do you and mom stay up all night ‘French kissing?’
Wife: Do you know what French kissing is?
Son: Yes, (he sticks out his tongue)
Me: Yup, every night. That’s why we put you to bed so early.

MUSIC:
Son: Hey dad, you know that song “Sexy and I know it?”
Me: Yes.
Son: Does what does LMFAO mean?
Me: It stands for Loud Men with Flat Abs Only, that’s why they’re so sexy.
Son: I have flat abs.
Me: Yes, you do.
Son: Does that mean you’re not sexy?
Me: Probably.

FAMILY:
Son: Aren’t we part Russian?
Me: Yes, my Grandmother was born in Russia.
Son: Do you think that we could be related to the Czar? You know they never found Anastasia.
Me: My Grandmother would have been too old to be Anastasia, but my Aunt Annie would have been the right age.
Son: You mean, Aunt Annie could have been Princess Anastasia?
Me: Could be – and that would make you a Prince.
Son: I don’t want to be Prince. I want to be Czar.
Me: Yes, your highness.

GIRLS:
Son: Dad, all the boys have crushes on girls.
Me: Do you know what a crush is?
Son: Yes, when you like someone as more than just a friend and you do all stupid stuff together.
Me: Like what kind of stuff?
Son: You know, hanging out all the time on the playground. Talking all the time.
Me: That doesn’t sound like fun.
Son: Especially the talking part.
Me: Yup, especially that part.

I know that I will soon miss these chats. In a short time, I will go from being the smartest man in the world to a complete idiot. It’s bound to happen. When it does, I’ll let you know.

1.9.12